


Daydream Disbelievers: Part One

by Alias_Slashley



Series: Daydream Disbelievers [1]
Category: The Monkees, The Monkees (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-23 00:10:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16608107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alias_Slashley/pseuds/Alias_Slashley
Summary: Peter struggles with feelings towards Davy





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [9xblue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/9xblue/gifts), [StarCollector88](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarCollector88/gifts).



_Their eyes locked from across the room. They stared each other down for what seemed like an eternity, before one of them broke the inevitable silence._

_“My mind forgets to remind me that you’re a bad idea,” Peter said with a blush as he approached his conquest. “I can’t believe I agreed to meet like this.”_

_“What could be so bad about little old me?” Davy countered mischievously with a sly smile that melted Peter’s heart. “You’re here, so that does say something.”_

_“You know I can’t stay away from you,” Peter said breathily as he cupped Davy’s chin in his palm. “Why did you ask me to meet you here?”_

_No words exited Davy’s lips as those lips made their way towards Peter’s slowly…_

“Earth to Peter, come in Peter! You’re clear for landing.”

“Huh?” Peter snapped his attention towards Micky.

“It’s your move,” Micky said gesturing towards the dominoes on the floor.

“Oh sorry,” Peter shook his head and reddened hoping that Micky wouldn’t notice.

This had been happening more and more frequently lately. He couldn’t seem to keep his mind focused on menial tasks like a game of dominoes, the dishes, or parking the Monkeemobile (Mike was pretty pissed about that parking ticket). The only thing he had on his mind was Davy Jones. Now he knew how Vanessa Russell had failed that history final.

“Are you feeling okay? You look flushed,” Mike pointed out.

_Of course he would notice!_

“I’m fine Mike, it must just be a sunburn,” Peter lied.

Mike stared at Peter inquisitively, “In the past two minutes? While we are inside? At night? In the winter? Did you even go outside today?”

“Well you know those pesky sunburns…sometimes they tend tooooo…lay dormant and pop up at the most inopportune times,” he stammered with relief that he could think so quickly.

“He said the word dormant, so he must know what he’s talking about,” Micky joked.

Peter was running out of excuses. This charade had been going on for the past six months and it was getting more and more challenging to convince everyone that he was doing okay. It was better than the alternative of admitting his shameful secret; he was head over heels in love with Davy. It all started six months ago when…

* * *

 

“I can’t believe that worked!” Mike exclaimed. “I figured that Renaldo would let the three of us out of those lifetime contracts, but I didn’t expect him to let us tear them _all_ up.”

“He probably didn’t want to risk people like us coming in again and ruining his business,” Micky said.

“Good work men,” Davy said settling down on the couch obviously exhausted from the scheme.

“Men? Man, we owe that all to you. You’re the only one that had sense enough to do something different than get caught up in that nonsense,” Mike admitted. “Usually I’m the one to get us out of scrapes, but dare I say you’re earning your stripes.”

Davy chuckled at the thought of becoming the leader. “Does that mean I get to wear the hat?”

Peter had been noticeably silent. He felt stupid for getting them into that mess in the first place. How could he have not read the fine print? He may have played the dummy on occasion, but he was no slouch in the intelligence department. He had been scammed one too many times that it was getting embarrassing. Even though his friends had come through and everything was resolved he couldn’t help but feel a mixture of guilt and humiliation. It was taking all of his will not to cry. He managed to squeak out a meek “Thanks Davy” before retreating to their shared room.

Peter sat on the edge of his bed and began to silently but heavily sob. He had been holding that in since he found out the contract was binding. He felt awful but didn’t want his friends seeing him vulnerable, it was uncomfortable.

The door to the bedroom creaked open and Peter vigorously wiped his eyes. The lights were off but he didn’t want to risk anything. Even though it was dark he would have recognized that petite figure anywhere.

“Mate, are you alright?” Davy inquired.

Peter nodded briskly. He was not in a position to speak at the moment for fear of his voice cracking.

“You can’t fool me, I know you. Now what’s going on? You can tell me.”

Peter took a deep breath. History had proven that Davy was relentless and wouldn’t let this go until he knew. “I feel ridiculous. What’s wrong me? I know better than to sign something without having all the information. I did it anyway and caused us a hassle.” He buried his face into his hands. He said that surprisingly calm under the circumstances.

Davy had moved over and sat beside Peter on his bed. Peter could feel the weight shift on the mattress as he sat. Davy placed his hand on Peter’s back and began to caress the space between his shoulder blades. Peter felt goose bumps start to rise and feeling as though he was slowly beginning to compose himself.

“Peter, it could have happened to any of us…in fact it did happen to Mike and Micky too and they knew beforehand! We don’t exactly have the best track record for good decisions.”

His hand had continued to graze around in circles on Peter’s back and he had to stifle a shudder. This felt good. _Too_ good! The wrong kind of good. Not comforting like Davy had meant it, but almost sensual. Peter shifted his body so that Davy had to stop his movements and Peter prayed that he wouldn’t start again.

Peter had to refocus to comment on the words Davy had just spoken. He couldn’t even think of something intelligible to say. “I didn’t even learn to box step properly.” _Smooth_.

Davy laughed and stood up reaching his hand out towards Peter. “It just so happens that you have Renaldo’s top dance instructor under your roof. I have at least four year’s experience you know.”

Peter looked at Davy’s warm facial expression. The authenticity of his want and need to console Peter was endearing. Peter felt his heart swell like it never had before as he took Davy’s hand and was pulled off the bed. They began the arduous task of teaching Peter those steps, becoming tangled together with laughter and limbs.

And that was only the beginning…

* * *

 

Peter had never considered Davy in that light before. The weeks before he was asking for help in wooing Valerie the debutante. Now he was in unchartered territory. He had always known that Davy was an attractive man, but that was normal right? But _knowing_ someone is attractive and _thinking_ someone is attractive are two different things. The knowing implies going based on some sort of factual information whereas the thinking is more opinion based. Peter was hovering uncomfortably closer to thinking more and more.

Every little gesture and movement that Davy did was becoming painfully obvious to Peter. He was noticing the contours of his jawline, the way his accent seemed to thicken when he was emotionally charged in one way or another, and the way his hand effortlessly caught the edge of his tambourine. He tried to shake the thoughts from his mind and refocus attention on something else, but it was a losing battle. There was a reason all the ladies flocked to the Brit. The charm, wit, and handsome combination were enough to make anyone go weak in the knees.

When there were too many girls around the Pad and Peter felt a tinge of jealousy for the undivided attention they were getting. Hell the guy stopped in his tracks without even noticing. At the time Davy vowed no more girls; Peter couldn’t help but feel hopefulness swell in his chest. Maybe that gave him an opportunity. He quickly severed ties with those thoughts as he realized that it was abnormal to have those thoughts about one of his good friends. He did make the move of grabbing Davy’s backside as he pushed him up the stairs. He hadn’t even meant to do that or did he? Even though, Peter did have his first Davy related fantasy during this period. How could someone not have erotic thoughts about someone telling other people to tie and chain them down?

Peter was quick to dismiss those thoughts as something much more innocent. He chocked it up to admiration. That had to be it. Davy moved and carried himself so perfectly and that was the kind of flawlessness Peter wished he could embody. Davy was able to walk into a space and command attention which was difficult to do with a smaller stature. He was suave with talking to the ladies and presented himself with such confidence. Those were qualities that Peter was lacking so it made the most sense to call this new interest admiration.

Peter was fooling himself though. Over time there was no denying that these feelings were going beyond admiration. His admiration was more than just respecting Davy’s character, he was noticing a thrill inside his body when Davy was nearby or even touched him. His insides felt tingly, his head would spin, his heart would flutter, and there was a noticeable feeling ‘downstairs.’ He was becoming increasingly comfortable with letting his crush blossom over time. There was no use fighting it and Davy was in such close proximity that it was better to just secretly go with the flow and let his imagination run wild in private.

There were all those times when Peter was held hostage and Davy came to save the day. Well, actually everyone came to save the day, but Davy was all Peter was focused on. It was as if Peter was in distress and Davy rode up on his white horse to save him from gypsies, Dr. Marcovich, and the Dragon Man. Peter was no damsel but Davy was his white knight on a steed.

There were the alluring moments. He watched Davy teach the Android monster to dance. The movement of those hips was irresistible. He was not as against the boxing career as Mike and Micky. Come on, a chance to see a bare chested Davy glistening with sweat! Although, he didn’t want that beautiful face bashed up. That time there were two Davy’s Peter couldn’t help but thinking about being the cheese in a Davy sandwich. Davy as the lead in the beach movie, he could be Peter’s leading man any day.

And there were the moments that showed him that Davy really cared for him. It was adorable when Davy tried to use guided imagery to help Peter get rid of his hiccups. Reassuring Peter that nothing would happen to him regarding the Dragon Man and then joking with him about the color of his sports jacket. Also, he savored their moments alone together like working at the answering service while Mike and Micky were gone.

The downside was the jealousy that crept up at times. Peter’s jealousy was not the green-eyed monster of anger that most people envision. It was a silent suffering that ate away at him until he had a chance to be near Davy again. It seemed like for some reason every time they split up Mike delegated Micky and Peter to go together while keeping the Brit all to himself. Peter knew Mike had no hidden agenda behind this, but it didn’t stop the nagging sting of jealousy. Mike and Micky had a tendency to make comments about Davy being “cute” or having “staggering good looks” and Peter couldn’t get the idea of them being competition out of his mind. If competition is mentioned though it’s difficult to not think of the girls themselves. At one point he remarked, “I myself am deeply jealous,” during one of Davy’s love infused romps. Everyone thought he meant that it was due to Davy always getting the girl and in a way it was but not in the way others would think.

Sure it was tough keeping up appearances. He did win the ability to be with April, even though he wasn’t the least bit interested. Good thing that problem sorted itself out. He was sure no one suspected a thing. One thing Peter was good as was keeping some semblance of mystery about him. If he was lusting after Davy no one was going to find out.


	2. Chapter 2

Peter lie awake in bed. Davy wasn’t home yet from a date and Peter could never sleep unless he was home. He wanted to make sure that Davy got home okay. There were enough unfortunate incidents that occurred for Peter to be concerned. The time wasn’t alarming but better safe than sorry.

He let himself drift into another fantasy. _The door silently crept open and a defeated looking Davy entered. Peter sat up and asked his dearest friend what was wrong. His voice dripping with concern and tenderness. Davy confided in him that things were never going to work out with any of these girls and it was no use. Peter’s breath caught in his chest as he tried to keep down his eagerness and ask Davy why not. Davy began to move closer to Peter and told him that he was in love with someone else. Their faces were inches apart…_

The door opened for real this time and a rather upbeat Davy came trotting in. Davy flicked on the lights and Peter was better able to take in the sight of him. He was wearing a dark blue dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows and a pair of his signature tight black pants that left little to the imagination. Of course his hair was still combed to perfection and Peter could still subtly smell his Black Label cologne wafting across the room.

Davy’s movements were slow and calculated. Peter was drinking in every ounce of watching him try to move steadily as to not wake up Peter. Davy turned around and jumped with a startle at Peter’s eyes on him. He placed a hand on his chest as though it would slow down the slightly enhanced breathing.

“Don’t do that! I had no idea you were awake. What are you still doing up?”

“You woke me up when you came in,” Peter lied.

Davy looked him skeptically, “You don’t even close to look like I’ve roused you from sleep.”

“I don’t know what to tell you,” Peter answered and changed the subject. “Late night, huh?”

“What time is it?” Davy asked peeking at his watch and smirked. “Oh yeah, I guess so.”

“Must’ve been one hell of a date.”

“Sure was. That Daisy is something else.”

“You’re dating someone named Daisy?” Peter inquired with confusion.

“Yeah, what’s with the face?” Davy said gesturing at Peter.

“Davy and Daisy,“ Peter deadpanned.

Davy stood for a moment contemplating how those names sounded together. “Huh, I never realized that they were so similar,” he shrugged.

Peter really didn’t want to know more about Davy’s dating exploits, because as far as he was concerned if he didn’t know then it didn’t happen. On the other hand, if he did know it would help him gage if Davy would be single again. Not that Peter thought he had a shot, but for his sake single Davy was better than taken Davy. He fought this over in his mind and before he knew it question came out, “What makes her ‘something else’?”

Davy sat down on the edge of his own bed and shook his head before making eye contact with Peter. “I’m so in love.”

Peter rolled his eyes, “No kidding! That’s your M.O.”

Davy chuckled. “No, no. This is different. I think I’ve finally got it right.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“It’s just a feeling. Haven’t you ever done or had anything and you just _knew_?”

 _More than he knows_ , Peter thought. He experienced such intense feelings that it was affecting his day to day life. He had difficulty focusing and didn’t even notice anyone else around in Davy’s presence. Peter could barely catch his breath because Davy took his breath away. Words escaped him. He couldn’t get his thoughts straight to have an intelligible conversation. Although, it is difficult to carry a conversation when someone’s taking your breath away anyway.

Peter realized that he had been thinking about that for too long because Davy was staring at him expectantly. He forced a fake smile so Davy wouldn’t see the mixture of hurt and longing that he was feeling.

“I guess I knew that music was for me. It was this intuition, like I couldn’t live without it. When it’s there I feel whole and there’s no better feeling in the world. Without it I’m alone.”

“See then you know,” Davy said as he pulled himself backward onto his own bed and made himself comfortable. “Sweet dreams, Peter.”

Peter didn’t answer and continued to lie awake staring at the dark, black ceiling. Of course the term music was code for the secret yearning for Davy. He wondered if Davy knew that he was all Peter thought about before he went to sleep.  How would he even react to that kind of information? Peter snuggled into his bed deeper. He needed to put his thoughts and images of Davy away for now so maybe he could actually get some sleep tonight.


	3. Chapter 3

After a tossing and turning night where Peter got at tops an hour and a half of solid sleep, he decided to give up and get moving. He rolled over to face Davy’s bed and noticed a mop of brown hair sticking out from the lumpy blankets. Peter smiled. This was the best part of waking up finding someone that you can’t get enough of. Even if that person wasn’t necessarily _his_ and would probably never be.

He forcefully peeled himself out of bed to prepare for his next Davitastic day. _That could have either been a thought of seriousness or sarcasm,_ Peter decided depending on how the day unfolded. It could go a few different ways, A) he could barely have any interactions with Davy (unlikely), B) he could keep hearing things about the new girlfriend (that would bum him out), C) everyone could be so distracted by some sort of occurrence that he wouldn’t even think about Davy (also unlikely), or D) his interactions with Davy would be perfection and increase his feelings (a torturous affair really). Whatever the outcome was though Peter was sure he would find it bittersweet. All scenarios had an upside and a downside.

Peter staggered out of his room and towards the bathroom. On the way he stepped on a paper near the door. It looked as though some had slid a note underneath their front door. Peter turned the envelope over in his hands a few times before tearing it open to find the note inside. He scanned the contents of the page.

“What’s that?” Micky said over Peter’s shoulder causing him to jump.

“Micky make your presence known before you creep up next to someone,” Mike said cinching his robe closed. “Peter, what have you got there?”

“It was on the floor next to the door, I think someone slid it underneath the door.”

“Well, what does it say? Did we receive an inheritance?” Micky asked hopefully.

“Not quite…”

“What are you guys talking about?” Davy asked rubbing his eyes.

“Peter found a note slid under the door and was explaining to us what it says,” Mike caught Davy up to speed.

“It says, ‘Monkees, your presence is requested at Hawthorne Manor. Be there promptly at 8 PM’,” Peter turned the note over to see if there was more.

“Go there for what exactly?” Davy raised one eyebrow skeptically.

“It doesn’t say,” Micky answered still peeking over Peter’s shoulder.

“It’s gotta be a gig. What else could this possibly mean?” Mike said taking the note and examining it for himself.

“Trouble,” Davy answered the rhetorical question.

“Well, we are in no position to turn down possible work,” Mike said. “Let’s start figuring out directions and then rehearse. We have a mysterious date with destiny.”

“I’ve already dated a girl named Destiny, I was not a fan,” Micky shuddered.

* * *

 

“That tears it you guys. I think we have been set up for something sinister,” Mike said trying to pull the doors open that had slammed shut and locked behind them.

“I could have told you that before we got here,” Davy sighed.

They had just gotten to the spooky looking manor and already things were going south. Firstly, it was stereotypically storming. Second, the area appeared to be completely abandoned as there were no vehicles around or anyone that answered the door. Third, they were now trapped inside here.

Peter knew the course of events. They would all try all the exits nearby to no avail. Then, there would be the ‘what are we going to do?’ discussion. And then Mike would suggest…

“We need to split up,” Mike suggested.

This was Peter’s chance. Normally, when they would split up it would be in Mike/Davy and Peter/Micky pairs. Why? Peter had no idea, because the Peter and Micky team seemed like a disaster waiting to happen. For some reason though that was Mike’s choice. This was an opportunity for Peter to speak up and get some extra alone time with Davy. He could be in charge of his own luck.

“I’ll go with Davy,” Peter surprised himself with the boldness and firmness in which he made that statement.

The three others looked at him questioningly. It wasn’t like Peter to make the decisions or even to say much at all during times of crisis that weren’t mind numbingly stupid. He had to think of an excuse fast so that no one would think anything else was up.

“Micky is my usual partner, but I could do without someone hovering over my shoulder the whole time. I’m jumpy enough as it is.”

“I do not hover over people,” Micky protested.

“That’s all you did this morning was read the note over my shoulder,” Peter countered.

”Enough of this back and forth. We need a solution to being stuck in here more than we need to question whether Micky is a hoverer or not…you are,” Davy answered. “I’ll search the upstairs with Peter.”

“Me and the helicopter will take the downstairs,” Mike sighed at having to search with Micky’s energy.

“You guys are the worst!” Micky pouted as he followed Mike.

“C’mon, Peter,” Davy said taking Peter’s hand and leading him up the vast staircase. “I think you’ve hurt Micky’s feelings.” He laughed.

Peter shrugged. “Usually we don’t have much luck splitting up the regular way. Time to switch things up.”

“Am I a more suitable partner?”

 _In more ways than you know._ “Well, I guess I will see how you do. This is your tryout, you know,” Peter joked. He was trying to subtly flirt without Davy catching on.

Davy was so close to him their arms kept brushing against each other. Peter hoped Davy wasn’t close enough to hear his innermost thoughts as well as not to see the sparks of electricity that Peter felt flow between them. Or maybe he already knew it because he said…

“This maybe the most important audition I’ve ever had. I better put my game face on.”

Peter’s heart melted. Sometimes it was so difficult to tell if Davy was being serious or playful. Peter would take it either way this was definitely option D for the day. It was sweet that Davy was being teasing and to the untrained eye possibly flirty. The bitter part was that Peter knew better. He knew from the night before that Davy was falling hard for his new girl. It was almost as if he wasn’t though. Almost as if for this moment Davy was solely into Peter. Davy moved like he was a hurricane and Peter was directly in the eye of that storm.

“Did you hear me?”

Peter shook his head. “What?”

“I said how am I doing so far? Are you alright?”

“I’m fine, just lost in thought I guess.”

“Ah Peter, forever a dreamer. I wish I knew where you went when you’re gone. Seems as though your imagination is far more interesting than ordinary reality.”

 _If only you knew_. Peter shrugged. “Who wants to be ordinary in this crazy mixed up world?”

“I admire that about you. You are not afraid to be yourself and do whatever it is that causes you to live life to the fullest.”

Peter’s heart swelled at Davy’s mention of admiration. He had never thought that someone like Davy could have such a high regard for someone else’s traits. Davy was perfection and it was impossible to improve on that. Peter was grateful for the dimness of the manor at that moment since he was blushing. He had to settle his nerves in order for his next words to come out normally.

“Nah, you’re just saying that to be nice.”

Davy nudged his body into Peter. “I am not! I truly wish that I had your ingenuity. That’s what I think makes you a far better musician than I am.”

Peter was floored. He had always pictured Davy being the pinnacle of confidence with a strong sense of self. But right here at this very moment Davy was showing Peter something different. Vulnerability. It wasn’t just the things that were being said, it was the way in which they were being said. Davy’s tone of voice appeared to begin to fade lower while mentioning insecurities about himself. These were very subtle. Someone that hadn’t been studying Davy for quite some time as Peter had would have easily overlooked this. He noticed right away. Peter had mixed feelings about this development, he was disheartened that Davy could think less of himself and also honored that Davy was willing to show vulnerability to him.

Peter gave Davy a playful shove back. “Hell man, you’re a fantastic singer! All the girls go gaga over that showmanship. I may be next to you up there, but I could never be front and center like you are and demand the crowds’ attention. That is a gift in and of itself.”

Even in the dimly lit hallways with Davy’s head slightly tilted downward, Peter could still see that signature smile. Davy was the type of person that kept a pleasant expression on his face. But there were slight variances among the types of smiles. He had the forced uncomfortable smile that stretched tightly. There was the polite smile that had no teeth and was only slightly formed. There was the cocky half smile. The normal smile that showed teeth but was still missing something. And then the genuine smile, Peter’s personal favorite. It had what the previous was lacking; a sparkle behind the eyes, a subdued shyness in which Davy tilted his head downward, and it lasted far longer than any other. That was the smile Peter could discern in the faint lighting. And it was all for him. He wanted to capture the moment forever in his memory.

“Thanks Peter.”

* * *

 

“Well that wraps that up,” Mike said getting into the car.

“What wraps what up?” Micky asked.

“Oh you know, Mick. The manor and what was going on it’s all been figured out. And not a moment too soon.”

“We skipped over the part where it is figured out.”

“It’s not important. It was only a small aside from the main story.”

“That’s just lazy writing.”

“Fine, it was the Four Swines, in the manor, with the sabotage. There are you happy, Colonel Mustard?”

“That was for the benefit of our readers and now back to the main plotline,” Micky said glancing back into the backseat of the Monkeemobile.

Peter leaned his head back against the car seat. His idea of being split up with Davy had been better than he had anticipated. He thought maybe they would just search around in silence making comments along the way, which is much different than searching with a hyped up Micky. Peter was pleasantly surprised at the conversation.

Even though the foursome were preoccupied with that bogus task for a few hours and Peter had his time taken up with Davy it seemed like it would never be enough. While the time spent was exhilarating, Peter had to continue to remind himself that these were only friendly interactions. He had to face the truth that Davy was in a relationship and ‘in love.’

Peter thought about this Daisy during the trek back home. He would bet on the fact that she was beautiful the way Davy talked about her. But at the same time from the information he had learned from previous conversations with Davy she seemed very self-involved. Davy was pouring his heart and soul into this girl and she was not giving that same devotion back. She didn’t appear to know much about Davy other than he was cute and in a band. Peter had pieced that conclusion together from occurrences of dates that Davy had been on with her. For example, Daisy took Davy to a seafood restaurant despite the fact that he mentioned to her that he didn’t like seafood. Or the time she introduced him to her friends and forgot his last name. That was unacceptable as far as Peter was concerned. If you care about someone you take the time and effort to get to know them. Peter felt as though memorizing things about Davy was an easy as knowing all the words to his favorite songs.

Davy didn’t seem to be bothered by this at all. He was so love-struck by Cupid, that Daisy could run him over with her car and he would probably still forgive her. She was fortunate. Peter hoped that Daisy knew what she had. She’d better hold him tight and give him all her love, because Davy deserved that. He hoped that she would look into Davy’s beautiful eyes and know she’s lucky to have him, because she had everything that Peter had to live without. Deep down Peter knew Daisy didn’t deserve Davy. He fantasized that one day Davy would realize that what he was really looking for in a romantic relationship had been in front of him this whole time.

Peter was snapped out his thoughts when the Monkeemobile abruptly stopped.

“Now what!” Mike shouted.


	4. Chapter 4

“Welcome to El Monotono. Well thank you very much,” Mike said sarcastically.

In route home from the Hawthorne Manor, Micky had navigated Mike into some wrong turns. Micky never was one to read a map well but Davy was asleep and Peter was so deep in thought that he would have been no better. Mike noticed a sign that said ‘Now Entering Mexico’ before he realized that the group was nowhere near the Pad. And to top it all off once they crossed the border the Monkeemobile broke down. Now a local mechanic was assessing the damage.

Peter was still mulling over the events inside the manor in his head and was absently following everyone else’s lead. He hung back towards Davy so that he could be nearer. Though he had spent plenty of time with him in the manor and on the ride back it just didn’t seem like enough. The time taken with Davy was never enough.

The gang stumbled into a cantina and Peter pulled himself up a chair right next to Davy. When the waitress arrived Peter’s head snapped to attention following Davy’s gaze as he knew what was about to happen. And sure enough it did. Peter noticed the laser focus that Davy developed when he was interested in a girl. He supposed that Daisy was a distant memory now.

Peter looked on at the interaction in silence. He knew the pattern all too well. Some cheesy initiation of conversation (“Can I help you?”, “You already have.”). The introduction of names. And finally the smooth way Davy casually asked someone if they wanted to go on an impromptu date. Typical. Peter could say nothing. He had a bitter taste in his mouth. Their time at the manor had made him too hopeful and now he was beginning to plummet down in despair. Davy sure acted as if those moments they had shared together actually meant something. Apparently not. To him flirtatious interactions were a dime a dozen.

Peter’s ears perked up when he observed the reaction of the owner of the cantina. He was telling Davy that the girl was spoken for by the town’s resident bandit. Davy had a difficult time taking no for an answer, he was a persistent little thing. Until there was a threat involved no one seemed eager to leave well enough alone, after the threat came everyone scrambled out of the cantina.

Davy protested that he needed to be with his new flavor of the week. All Peter could do was stand back and frown. He would let Mike take the lead on this one. Peter couldn’t help but notice the disappointment beginning to creep up on him. His frown deepened, his shoulders went slack, and there was a gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach. And though Peter knew that there was no way for this love to last due to circumstance and most of all geography, it was painful nonetheless to receive the reality check that no matter how many meaningful moments shared between the two, Davy would always go for the girl.

* * *

 

To pay for the parts and labor to fix the car, the band had to offer up their musical talents to the cantina. They were playing the only song that would be of some interest to the local crowd as it did mention traveling to their beloved country. Peter continued to sneak long, loving glances at Davy throughout the song. Every once in a while, Davy would catch Peter’s gaze and offer him a polite smile. Peter longed for another genuine Davy smile; he felt as though he needed it as most people needed air.

Davy ended up standing closer to Mike, no doubt to feel more protected. With all the disappointment that this day was bringing, Peter was noticing a tinge of jealousy pop up at Mike. He knew that it was absurd to think that Mike had any intentions at all of stealing Davy. Plus Davy wasn’t even Peter’s to steal to begin with. That jealousy towards Mike shifted entirely when Peter saw that Davy spotted the object of his affection at the back of the room, Senorita or whatever her name was. Davy began pleading with his bandmates to just say good bye to her. Peter had had just about enough of this escapade and spoke up.

“You can’t talk to her.”

The explanations from Peter, Micky, and Mike had fallen on deaf ears, because in an instant Davy had convinced himself that it was okay to just say a small farewell. This was defeating to Peter, even in the face of danger the desire to win the girl’s heart always prevailed. It just wasn’t fair. Why was it that Davy would never be fighting for him?

The feeling of defeat was short lived however. The town’s resident bandit El Diablo was arriving and Davy was still stuck in a passionate kiss with the bandit’s girl. Peter had a feeling of dread wash over him. That pit that had been hanging around in his stomach all day sank lower like there was an anchor attached to it. The electricity of fear coursed through his nerves. He felt helpless to save his Romeo. He watched powerlessly as El Diablo shot at Davy’s feet and intimidated him with words asking Davy to beg for his own life.

Peter lurched forward front and center to beg for Davy’s life. He had had an emotional cocktail all day and now with his begging it all seemed to be spilling out. A mixture of fear, love, and disappointment. It only lasted briefly and Peter knew there was nothing more that could be done. He looked on as the girl spoke the words he longed to say aloud. She expressed the things she loved about Davy. He was envious of her ability to be so honest in a moment of crisis. Peter was afraid to voice his feelings out of fear of judgment and rejection. He admired her determination and appreciation for Davy, which was something Daisy lacked.

In the blink of an eye, Davy was captured by El Diablo and be taken as prisoner to his camp. No one knew what to do. Everyone looked on. Peter felt like he let Davy down and that he would never see him again. The emotional cocktail was being stirred up again, but instead of desperation it was now serving determination.

* * *

 

Mike, Micky, and Peter concocted a plan to infiltrate the bandit camp by impersonating bandits themselves. Peter knew that this was his opportunity to be Davy’s white knight. So many times before Davy had come to his rescue and now it was time to return the favor. Who knew what could happen from that, after all Peter began falling for Davy because of those rescue missions.

Micky was taking the lead on this one, but Peter would play a pivotal role too as well as Mike. Everyone had to be focused in order to not be discovered as frauds bent on helping a captive escape. All needed to do their part and pass the tests in order to be accepted into El Diablo’s crew. Peter was ready, all he could focus on was the prize at the end of the mission, a vertically challenged man with a charming smile and adorable accent. He played his cards flawlessly and along with Mike and Micky’s efforts was one step closer to the ultimate goal.

During the fiesta, Mike whispered to Peter to go find Davy. Willingly Peter accepted this task. He was a little nervous about being able to pull off the perfect execution of saving Davy so that no one would get hurt and most of all so he didn’t look like a buffoon. He walked a quarter mile away from the camp and noticed a figure in a blue shirt tied to a tree being guarded. _Davy!_

He approached the guard unsure if the guard would buy his ruse. Peter stammered in broken Spanish to explain that there was a party going on that the guard needed to attend. The guard didn’t understand what was being said. Peter wracked his brain for a solution and remembered an important thing from the party that El Diablo was insistent on.

“Booze,” Peter said finally.

The guard was immediately convinced to head back to camp leaving Peter to rescue his own, well damsel in distress didn’t fit right, but you get the idea. Peter looked for a moment taking in the sight before him. He didn’t know why but the sight of Davy with his hands tied behind his back was alluring. Davy looked up and was instantly frightened by his new guard. He began begging for his life. _Cute._

“Davy it’s me Peter.”

“Peter who?”

“Peter Tork,” he said with a little annoyance.

Davy’s face brightened right away. “Oh Peter!”

The two embraced. Well, Peter embraced Davy because Davy had no use of his arms at the moment. Apparently, Peter was holding the embrace for a bit too long.

“Untie me and stop you know, will ya?”

Peter snapped out of it and became flustered. All the focus and determination he had earlier was out the window. It was easier before with no Davy around. Now he was beginning to have feelings of inadequacy in trying to untie this knot. Davy was trying to explain it to him and was becoming increasingly frustrated with the lack of progress. Peter could see the irritability forming on Davy’s face. There was a certain smolder in his eyes and it was irresistible. Peter had to refocus his eyes on the ropes.

“My finger Peter!”

Two bandits interrupted the process. Peter flung himself in front of Davy in a valiant effort to save him. Surely the gesture would get Davy’s heart palpitating. He began pleading with the bandits to spare their lives.

“Peter its Micky and Mike,” Micky said.

“Micky and Mike who?”

“What do you mean Micky and Mike who,” Mike said annoyed.

“Well Davy did it to me.”

Micky went right in and successfully undid the ropes that Peter had been struggling with. Peter suddenly felt the disappointment reappear. All he had wanted to do was be a white knight and now he was looking more like a court jester. Peter followed the rest into the Monkeemobile and stayed back for the rest of the ordeal. Micky went ahead and saved the day by standing up to El Diablo in a duel.

On the way home everyone was pretty quiet from the few days of misadventure. Peter slumped into the backseat. The moodiness was permeating from him and Davy picked up on it right away.

“Why so blue, Mate?”

This was a loaded question. So many things clouded Peter’s mind. Davy’s devotion to women. Peter’s mixture of emotions. And Peter’s inability to save Davy due to cracking under pressure. How to answer that question without being obvious and outing his secret.

“Nothing, just exhausted I guess.”

Davy looked down and then looked back at Peter curiously. Clearly he was not convinced or satisfied with that answer.

“Thanks for all you did for me today.”

Peter was looking down at his hands in his lap. “I didn’t do anything special.”

“If anything, you did the most. I really needed you and you definitely came through for me. Even though I get myself into all these scrapes, I can always count on you.”

Peter internally felt something draw him to look up. He glanced over at Davy and saw one of those famous, genuine smiles.


	5. Chapter 5

Peter never heard about Daisy again after Mexico. He was becoming increasingly confused as time went on. Davy would still fall head over heels for some girl and at the same time still find a way to make Peter feel as if there was something between them. Maybe Peter was reading too much into friendly gestures; however Davy was not the same with Micky and Mike. Davy always made an effort to reassure Peter that he was helpful or amazing in some way or another. Perhaps their friendship was just different.

Peter did his best to try to protect Davy from the evils of the world. He saved all three of his roommates from the bank robbery con. As well as particularly coming to the rescue during Davy’s kidnapping by the Sheik, the vampires, and the hillbillies. Funny all of these instances involved a girl in some way playing an essential role in the misfortune that befell the Brit.

And of course there were no shortage of moments where Peter required a rescue. There was the time he was tricked by the security guards at the art museum to create forgeries. The time when that swindler sold him the treasure map and the gang ended up being hunted on an island. When the Russian ballet kidnapped Peter to find some microfilm. And Peter’s unfortunate encounter with Oraculo. Peter noted for himself that many times he was in need of assistance it had to do with someone taking advantage of him and not some girl. The exception was Natasha and Peter wondered if her presence would make Davy jealous. It did, but only because he was not the one getting the female attention.

Also to be noted was that Micky seemed to have quite a bit of mishaps himself recently. This provided a chance for Peter and Davy to work together; like saving Micky from the German auto racers and the monkey’s paw curse.  And since Mike was absent at times visiting Texas, it gave the two more alone time; like finding the real Micky had been taken prisoner by aliens or taken advantage of by Shah-Ku.

Peter was relishing the time spent with Davy alone, even though at times they bickered back and forth.

“Eating hotdogs!”

“I was hungry.”

“You still owe me a quarter.”

 “I’ll pay you back when I see you.”

There were the moments where they would split up and Mike would choose his normal pairings of himself with Davy and Micky with Peter. Peter had volunteered to go find the sheriff in Texas because he was convinced that Davy would offer to ride into town with him since Davy loved riding horses. Davy was all too eager though to send Micky and Peter along; he probably wanted to be near Mike’s cousin Lucy.

There were moments when all four of them would work together to thwart a common enemy; Zeckenbush, the biker gang, pirates, the gangsters in Las Vegas, Twiggly, and the Wizard Glick. Peter worked towards being nearer to Davy during these times so that he could soak in every moment. When they had the séance with Mrs. Weatherspoon and Henry, Peter made sure he sat next to Davy so that they could hold hands. Even though the gesture was for a different purpose than romance, he would take what he could get.

During these times of adventure, Peter also began noticing a flirtatious teasing going on between the two of them that he found adorable.

D: “I’m going to make you the Director of Forests. How about that?”

P: “You would.”

-

D:“Next thing you know you’ll be buying San Diego.”

P:“I turned San Diego down.”

-

M:“Treasure map, that’s one of the dumbest things you’ve ever done, Pete?”

P:“That’s not fair, Micky!”

D:“That’s not true, Micky. He’s done dumber things than that I know.”

P:“Hey thanks man.”

-

P:“I know why everyone joins hands at a séance.”

D:“To make sure they have contact?”

P:“No, because they’re scared silly.”

-

P (in a British accent):“You must be joking!”

D:“That’s my line!”

P (still in accent):“I’m sorry.”

By far though, the most telling instance to Peter of Davy’s devotion to him was when he made a deal with the devil, Mr. Zero. Peter was going to be taken down to Hell to serve his eternal sentence. There were no words to describe the sheer terror that Peter was experiencing at that time. He would live in the rest of his time in damnation and to top it off he would never see his friends again, worse than that never see Davy again. He was near tears as he reached the door. Davy made a valiant gesture and offered to sacrifice himself to go in Peter’s place.

That was a moment Peter was still replaying in his head all these months later. Sure plenty of things had happened before and since then, but none of it compared to that. Davy was willing to give up everything to ensure that Peter had a chance. Every time he thought of that his heart melted. Remembering moments with Davy were coming in flashbacks and echoes. Even though Peter kept telling himself to let it go something was keeping him holding on to nothing and moving on was impossible when he kept seeing everything in his mind.

Surely there had to be truth in his suspicions that Davy was interested in Peter as more than a friend. Things appeared to be more than just coincidence. Now was the time for that last ditch effort to test this theory.

* * *

 

Peter knew just the way to test the waters out of his theory about Davy. From past conversations, Peter knew that what Davy always complimented him on and admired most was Peter’s musical abilities. There was a gig coming up and that was the perfect opportunity to see if he could catch the Brit’s attention enough for Davy to make some kind of signal to Peter that there was romantic interest. Peter decided that the best way to do this was to pull out all the stops while performing. He wanted to look desirable while doing this.

The problem was that Peter felt as though he was awkward in that department. He had no idea how to make himself look tempting to anyone. He spent the time before the gig thinking about what made Davy attractive to him during a performance and what it could possibly be about girls that Davy would find irresistible. The answer was obvious, movement! Peter watched the way Davy moved onstage whether it was dancing or just standing still and singing, it was mesmerizing. And when Davy would check out girls he would look at the way they walked, it seemed like his favorite thing to notice.

Peter had been practicing his movements in secret in front a mirror for days before the gig. He already had some movements that he did onstage, but in the mirror he could see how horrible he really looked. So it was back to the drawing board. Over the time he was practicing he felt as though he perfected some moves such as reining in his guitar motions, wiggling his hips, and some facial expressions that gave off a concentrated yet sensual vibe. There was no way that anybody would be able to resist.

When the band arrived at the venue, Peter was extremely nervous. No amount of practice could prevent the nerves from creeping in. He was overthinking what he was about to do and was not paying attention to anything else.

“Hey Peter, are you okay?” Davy asked.

“Sure fine. Why do you ask?” Peter stammered.

“Because your bass is on backwards.”

“Oh I was just covering the strings until we were ready so no dust gets on them.”

Davy just gave him a knowing look and patted him on the shoulder before finishing his own set up. Peter let out a long sigh and turned the bass around. He took some deep breaths. He needed to get it together. _It’s just like any other show. You’ve practiced a hundred times._ The self encouragement was not doing much to settle those nerves and before Peter knew it the first song was starting.

Peter tried to catch up with the first song, but he was five notes behind the entire time. He felt if he tried to skip ahead that he would only get further entangled in a mess so he opted to stick with the initial mistake. To him it was barely noticeable and he thought no one else had noticed until Mike tried to get his attention before the next song. Mike mouthed “What happened?” across the stage and Peter could only mouth “I’m sorry” in return.

Peter took a deep breath and followed along with Davy’s counts to start the next song. He needed to just completely focus on the song first to find his footing and then add the moves in later. That song went along flawlessly so Peter felt like this was the moment. _One more song to make sure that wasn’t a fluke._ During this next song, he was in his head a bit a played the wrong note a few times. Mike didn’t seem to notice so Peter felt he was in the clear.

Next song in the set was ‘You Just May Be the One’, the perfect song lyrics to show off and impress Davy. Peter put on the come hither face he had practiced and listened for the countdown. Peter first started with the eyes trying to make eye contact with Davy so that he knew that the intended audience was watching. He swayed back and forth in impatience while he watched Davy make eye contact with Micky and share a genuine smile and then swing over to Mike and stand back to back with him while shaking his tambourine.

When Davy began to make his way back to his designated spot between Mike and Peter, Peter was disappointed that he wasn’t coming right over for their own interaction. Peter knew that this was the time to make a move and do this himself. He shuffled over to Davy and began his rehearsed dance moves. Peter was having difficulty multitasking the moving and playing and was reverting back to his larger undulating movements. Before Davy had even noticed Peter was over there, Peter made one large hip gyration and knocked Davy off the stage with his bass.

Peter’s eyes were closed and he hadn’t even known what happened until the music abruptly stopped and a hush fell over the crowd. Mike put his guitar down and immediately hopped off stage to check on Davy. Peter looked on in stunned silence. This plan could not have gone worse.

* * *

 

Peter was mortified by what had just transpired. He had made a fool out of himself in more than one way. He had failed miserably at his plan in more than one way. After he had knocked Davy off stage, they had to cancel the rest of the performance to take Davy to urgent care. Since they had only played four songs (well three and a half really) there was no payment. To top it all off Davy had a sprained elbow.

“What happened, Peter?” Mike asked while they had been waiting for Davy to get checked out. “You seemed extremely distracted tonight.”

Peter couldn’t even answer that question because he was guilty and embarrassed about all aspects of that situation. He wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and die. He owed it to Davy to wait it out, but now that they were leaving he had an opportunity to avoid the situation and be alone he was going to take it.

“I’m going to walk back, you guys go on ahead.”

Peter was shuffling down the sidewalk. He was looking down and kicking rocks as he went. How could a small gesture fail so immensely?

“Want some company?”

Startling Peter out of his rumination was a sling clad Davy.

“You don’t have to walk with me. I deserve to be alone. I know you’re probably pissed at me.”

“Not at all! Accidents happen, this is not nearly as painful as when we tried to teach that monster to dance and he hip bumped us both off the stage. Do you remember that?”

“I do, but he didn’t sprain your elbow.”

“What this?” Davy asked flapping his bent arm like a chicken. “The doctor said it will heal in two-three weeks. It’s just a bit sore and I can still play the tambourine with my left hand.”

“What about maracas?”

Davy stopped walking and had a quizzical look on his face. “I guess I’ll have to put as many as I can in my left hand.”

Peter didn’t seem amused by this conversation and continued walking in silence with his head down.

“You look very distraught, is there anything else bothering you?”

_Maybe that it’s hard to make conversation because you take my breath away. There’s so many things that I wish you knew. I’m trying so hard not to get wrapped up in you. I’m in love with you!_

“Nope. I just feel guilty and embarrassed by this whole debacle.”

“It’s nothing really, Peter! Let’s talk about something else, get your mind off it.”

_There’s no way to get my mind off you._

Davy ran his left hand through his hair. He kept absentmindedly making Peter want him more. His subtle movements, the fact that he was trying to comfort Peter when he should be angry. Why the hell was Davy so absolutely perfect?

“You know there’s something about the way the street looks when it’s just rained,” Davy finally broke the silence.

“What?”

“Well, there’s this glow off the pavement from the moonlight, you know. It looks so…I don’t know the word for it.”

“Wet?”

“No, no. Something more meaningful on a captivating level. Don’t you ever romanticize things that are seemingly unremarkable?”

 _Of course I do that with you,_ Peter thought but what he said was, “Like that’s a groovy lamppost?”

Davy laughed. “No, like giving a fresh more optimistic look at things that you see every day. Making the ordinary, extraordinary.”

“That seems silly.”

“Hey didn’t you say to me, ‘Who wants to be ordinary in a crazy mixed up world’?” Davy countered. “You know like…the night sky. You see it all the time, but you glance at it and don’t really look at it,” Davy stopped and stared up and Peter followed suit. “Like it looks like dark velvet glittered with millions of diamonds.”

Peter smiled as he looked up since Davy wasn’t looking at him. That little sucker always found a way to be the highlight of his day. There were so many things he wanted to say at that moment, but his throat closed and wouldn’t allow him to speak. Fear took over the embarrassment and as much Peter tried to fight it the fear always won.

Davy again broke a silence and tilted his head back down to Earth. “Never mind, maybe I’m the only one that does that. I do believe in daydreams you know.”

They continued walking towards home. As they walked they were talking and Peter didn’t say anything he wanted to.


	6. Chapter 6

The day after the gig disaster Peter needed to be alone with his thoughts. He went down to the beach to think and be away from the questioning that Mike was bombarding him with about last night. The scenery and sea air would do him good. He found a secluded spot under a dock and sat on some rocks that were high enough that he wouldn’t be overtaken by the waves.

Peter looked out onto the calming water that was opposing the inner turmoil going on in his mind. Although Davy had been forgiving and kindhearted the night before, Peter had to be realistic. He had told himself that the seductive movement plan was a last ditch effort for Davy’s romantic attention. As far as Peter could tell the poorly executed plan was a failure. Just because Davy was being understanding it did not equal mutual feelings.

This was a difficult pill for Peter to swallow. He had spent this time visualizing a story that would never get told. Davy was a daydream that would never come to fruition. He felt like Davy was all that he needed to fall into place with himself, like it was a missing puzzle piece. Davy was everything Peter needed to know that he was not alone. (And Peter said he didn’t romanticize things.)

Peter closed his eyes tight and all he could see was Davy. This was absurd. He couldn’t get his mind off him for one measly second. This needed to end and quick. Peter glanced at his watch he had been deeply contemplating these thoughts about Davy for longer than he realized. The tide was rising and getting deeper. He waded through the water to walk back towards home. He wished that the water had the ability to wash the pain away. But instead of that it felt like the water was flooding the pain deeper inside. He felt small as if he was just a drop in the ocean now, drifting further and further out into a sea of pain. And with each drift he was losing himself more and more into Davy.

Upon arriving back to the Pad, he found himself alone. Perfect, just what Peter needed more alone time with his thoughts. The despair was weighing down on him like an anchor. The tears were filling his eyes threatening to come out.

Peter sat at his piano and began to let whatever music was in him flow through. The notes were to no particular song he knew but it sounded so familiar. It was his soul escaping through his fingers and out onto the keys. If his emotions had a sound this would be it. A melodic depression. Teardrops where trickling onto the keys giving further aesthetic to the scene. Peter stopped playing and heaved a heavy sob letting the sorrow run its intended course. Something had to be done.

* * *

 

The little bell tinkled on top of the door as Peter entered. He had seen an advertisement in the newspaper of something that may be able to help him kick his Davy habit and he was willing to try anything.

“Hello?”

A man peeked his head out from behind a counter and smiled. “Welcome, welcome young man. Here have a seat. When was the last time you smoked?”

“But I don’t---“

The man shoved a cigarette in Peter’s mouth and lit it. “My boy enjoy this cigarette for it will be your last…well hopefully with my help it will be”

Peter coughed and took the cigarette out. “But I don’t smoke.”

The man paused with his hurried movements of getting supplies off shelves and setting them on the table in front of Peter. “You don’t?”

Peter shook his head and continued to cough.

“Then may I ask what I can help you with?”

“Well sir, I saw this advertisement in the paper and thought you could help me,” Peter said handing the man the tore piece of newspaper.

The man examined the paper noting that a portion of the ad was missing. “What exactly is it that you’re looking for help with?”

“I have an obsession…an addiction really and I need help to move forward from it.”

“I see and what kind of addiction is this?”

“To a person.”

The man looked at Peter puzzled and then examined the advertisement again. ‘Need to kick the habit? Come see Archibald and I will help you with your ……. addiction’ the advertisement read there was a tear in between ‘your’ and ‘addiction.’

“I’d love to help you kid, but this is for addiction to cigar…” he stopped for a moment and then his eyes lit up at the possibility of making a buck. “I’d love to help you kid, but do you think you have the willpower for this.”

“Oh yes, Mr. Archibald. I’d do anything.”

“Perfect. First, I’m going to need $9.95 for the ‘treatments’.”

Peter looked in his wallet and frowned. “I only have $5.00.”

Archibald thought for a moment. “I’ll tell you what kid, I really feel for you. Give me the $5.00 and I’ll give you the cheaper plan.”

“Really? Gosh thanks,” Peter said handing over the money.

“Think nothing of it. Now usually there are a lot of reading materials and self-help stuff. I don’t think you need all that to get over this dame.”

Peter stared for a moment at the word ‘dame’ and then regained his composure. “What should I do?”

“All you have to do is write letters to your addiction.”

“And have that person read my inner most thoughts about them!?!”

“No, no kid. Relax. These are no send letters. It’s a way to get your feelings out about them so they aren’t stuck in your head.”

“And that will work?”

“Better than thinking about it over and over right? You’ll notice over time the feelings will lessen and soon you’ll be on to someone else.”

“How many letters do I write and when should I write them.”

“There’s no magic number to it. Every time you can’t get that person off your mind document it. Tell them how you really feel and over time it will be like a grieving process where bitterness will take over and you won’t even care about that person.”

“I don’t want to go that far.”

“Then stop before that point.”

“How do I know when I get to that point?”

“Listen kid, that’s the extent of what your five bucks gets you.”

“Alright, thanks Mr. Archibald!” Peter said and walked out the door.

“Well I guess if it can work for cigarettes, it can work for people.”


	7. Chapter 7

Fifty letters.

It had been two weeks and Peter had written fifty no send letters to his addiction. Davy. They had started out as loving documentation about Peter’s adoration:

_Dear David,                                                                                                                           # 1_

_Words cannot begin to describe the way I feel about you. You are the most important thing to me. I see nothing but perfection when I look at you. Every time I look at you it’s like the first time. The butterflies never cease. You are more than just an outward appearance. I can see the beauty that lurks within. The precious, tender soul that cares for all things you can come in contact with. I wanted to be like you, so I tried to be like you. I got swept away though by something else. A deep longing to not be you but be with you._

_Life is good. I get lost in your eyes. You make what doesn’t matter fade to gray. Thank you for being you._

_Love,_

_Peter_

Eventually they moved onto a more pessimistic vibe:

_Dear David,                                                                                                                           #12_

_I feel so low; I can’t feel anything at all. The hopelessness I feel about weaning myself off the Davy drug is very empty and lonely. I’m lost on a lonely road. The perpetual silence of things unsaid is getting to me. It takes everything in me not the burst out these feelings to you. I wish that I could run into your open arms. And I hope you know that every time I don’t, I almost do. As the days drag on, I might be okay but I’m not fine at all. I sure hope I will be someday._

_Yours,_

_Peter_

Then came moments of questioning:

_Dear David,                                                                                                                           #30_

_Why are we afraid to be in love? I’m starting to wonder why I have to get over you at all. Why would I stop the fire that keeps me going on? It is painful yes, but isn’t better to feel this pain than to feel nothing at all? I don’t even know anymore. My deepest thoughts and desires are in a battle with each other. I want the pain/I don’t want the pain. I won’t ever get over you/I can get over you. I will find someone else/no one else will ever compare to you. I pray for clarity in these times of confusion, but no one is answering my pleas. When will I receive a sense of peace?_

_Truly,_

_Peter_

And the letters that echoed their intended purpose:

_Davy,                                                                                                                                      #45_

_All the tears have disappeared without a trace. You used to shine so brightly to me but I’ve been watching all of it fade. I’ve been reflecting quite a bit about the way you treat girls as though they are disposable. What makes me so sure you wouldn’t do just the same to me? Truth is I’m not sure. Makes it easier to move on, seeing you in a different light. Makes me think that heartaches don’t last as long these days. I don’t love you like I loved you yesterday._

_Sincerely,_

_Peter_

This cyclical process of writing continued on back and forth during the days. Peter fluctuated all the way from optimism to cynicism in a matter of minutes. He supposed this is what withdrawals looked like during the addictions process. Continuing to go back and forth between wanting to be clean and wanting the preferred fixation. Peter guessed that he had to keep rotating through feelings in order for this to work.

He was exhausted. Peter had been trying to keep himself scarce recently until there was no longer a threat of letting his emotions get the best of him. He could snap out in anger or let his love flow out without warning. It was difficult with Davy sharing a bedroom. So, Peter devised a plan. The first week, he had stuck a note on their door that said, ‘I’m sick. In quarantine. Stay out for your protection.’ Surprisingly it had worked. Every once in a while someone knocked to check on him and Peter had to put on a show to go out and use the bathroom, but so far so good. He supposed that Davy had been staying on the couch and continuing to rewash the same outfits again and again.

The next week, Peter occupied himself with many menial tasks. He offered to do everything. He disguised it as a thank you for giving him space during his ‘illness,’ when really he was avoiding having his feelings out in the open. He couldn’t kick the habit when it was being charming right in front of him, could he? He felt so lonely inside, but kept himself so busy outwardly as not to arouse any type of suspicion.

This day two weeks later, Peter was ready to emerge from his isolation. He needed the fresh air he was going stir crazy and the weather matched his mood. The sky had been on the verge of a storm all day. Perfect weather. Peter was putting the finishing touches on letter number fifty-one.

_Dear David,                                                                                                                           #51_

_My life has been filled with gloom and day after day I’ve stayed locked away in my mind. I had wished the sunshine and blue skies would go away and there was a day that matched my mood. I know that this may sound weird but I want to be out in a storm. One that matches the feelings of my mind. Then again being in the rain reminds me of the way you romanticized the glimmering concrete and the night sky. Everything reminds me of you. Whenever I forget it just ends up all coming back to me._

_I’ve been working very hard to forget you, forget the way I feel about you. But a fool’s errand really, because it’s like trying to know someone you’ve never met. Trying to unlock that part of my brain and shovel out its contents is a losing battle. I can’t banish every memory made. I don’t know if I’m strong enough fight anymore. I feel like giving up. But what would giving up mean? Living in misery? Not loving you eventually? I can’t even begin to know._

_If I had to live without you what kind of life would that be? I’d be lost if I lost you._

_I need to clear my head. Maybe the clarity will provide the answers._

_Lost,_

_Peter_

Peter sealed and labeled the envelope ‘Davy #51.’ He placed it in the box beneath his bed with the others. The letters that Davy had never read. Before he left Peter contemplated a moment. Did he feel any different than he did day one? He guessed he would figure that out during his jaunt.

* * *

 

Peter sauntered back to the Pad from his three hour departure. He walked around and went to his favorite spots to enjoy nature. It was different to visit those spots in a rain storm. It was quiet, empty, and eerily calm. He was soaked from head to toe but he didn’t care. He felt rejuvenated being out in that environment.

Peter came to the conclusion while he was out that he felt scarcely different than day one. And that was okay. It was going to take time. There was no clear limit on how long this would take. Best to not seclude himself. You can’t completely avoid your desires or how else are you going to learn to manage them. He decided that it was time to get back to the normal routine while still working through the withdrawal process.

He took a deep breath and opened the Pad door. Mike and Micky were playing dominoes at the table.

“Hey Pete, go swimming?” Micky teased.

“Something like that,” Peter smiled for the first time in what seemed like ages.

“Seems like you’re back to your old self,” Mike commented.

“Didn’t know I was not myself,” Peter said nervously.

Mike cocked an eyebrow. “You were sick and then you were trying very hard to make it up to us and running yourself ragged. That wasn’t normal.”

“Oh right,” Peter said relieved that it wasn’t emotionally related. “I feel like I’m getting back to me.”

“Good because we can’t afford a new bass player. No one will play for free like you do,” Micky joked.

Peter laughed and then asked the question that was occupying his mind. “Where’s Davy?”

“Oh he went in you guys’ room looking for something hours ago and hasn’t come back out yet. Either he hasn’t found it yet or he fell asleep,” Mike answered.

“I’m going with the latter,” Mike chimed in.

Peter went towards his bedroom to change out of his drenched clothes. Inside he had also expected to find a sleeping Davy. Instead he found Davy on his bed with a blank look on his face. Scattered around him were fifty open letters and envelopes with number fifty-one in his hand.

To be continued…


End file.
